20 days

I’ve never been tested as much as I was In the past 24 hours. Everything feels so surreal, it really scares me. It gives turning 18 a whole new meaning and I wish I was only turning 4. There’s 20 days left until my 18th birthday & I have to be out of this house by then, no not by choice but because I’m not wanted here anymore. I have no money, no real job and have no idea how to go about being on my own. I’ve messed up a hundred times before but this was just the worst. Sure I should be punished but honestly the punishment doesnt fit the crime in my eyes.

When My mom asked why I did what I did and why did I lie about it she said, You better give me a good reason not just i dont know or because. So I told her, I lied because I even tried convincing myself that the lie was the truth and the truth wasn’t real because I didnt want to except the reality of the situation. Life has never been so hard, it’s never given me a break, its literally a constant struggle. She claimed that it wasnt a good enough reason and maybe shes right, it’s not but its MY reason. Thats why i did what i did, because i myself was scared shitless much like i am right now.

I have to admit tho for the first time in a LONG time this is the first problem I find myself in where I don’t think that suicide is the answer, sure its crossed my mind but it hasnt stuck around for more than a second like allthe other times.